


Behind These Hazel Eyes

by moshiznik



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Chronic Illness, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 18:01:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7902379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moshiznik/pseuds/moshiznik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He didn’t know why Jonghyun was late but he knew that his boyfriend would easily be able to deflect any questions with a smile and an apology. And, just like every night this happened, Jinki would allow it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind These Hazel Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted to my tumblr [moshiznik.tumblr.com] as part of my ipod shuffle challenge. Song is Kelly Clarkson's "Behind These Hazel Eyes".

Soft footsteps echoed down the long hallway, each sound a tortuous turn to the knife that was slowly working itself into Jinki’s abused heart. He didn’t know why Jonghyun was late but he knew that his boyfriend would easily be able to deflect any questions with a smile and an apology. And, just like every night this happened, Jinki would allow it.

Jonghyun quietly opened their bedroom door and entered. Soon after the familiar thud of clothing hitting the floor signaled that he was preparing to join Jinki in bed, and the elder braced himself for the onslought of emotions that would creep between them. He shifted slightly under the comforter as Jonghyun lay down behind him, snuggling up close so that his arm was draped over Jinki’s waist and his face was tucked perfectly into the back of his neck.

The intimacy of the moment felt so familiar and yet so foreign. For years they had been this close, if not closer, but the last few months had slowly chipped away any sense of belonging that Jinki may have once felt. He allowed Jonghyun to place gentle kisses down his neck, following the curve of his shoulder as he realized that Jinki was not asleep.

“Hey,” he breathed into his shoulder, the feeling sending a familiar ache of need through Jinki, a need to say the things he could not say to somehow bridge the ever-growing chasm between them. Jonghyun's body, so accustomed to the other's, reacted, moving to straddle Jinki's hips as he placed more gentle kisses on his cheek, trailing his lips down until he captured Jinki's mouth in a loving caress.

Caught up in his own emotions, the younger missed the way Jinki’s eyes scrunched in unspoken pain, his hands only moving up out of instinct to clutch at Jonghyun's slim hips.

Jonghyun moaned, deepening their kiss as their bodies responded to the familiar intimacy of their actions. He brushed a hand lovingly through Jinki’s hair while the other danced down Jinki’s body, his fingertips leaving goosebumps in their wake. Jinki bit down on his bottom lip, his body too connected to the younger's desire to allow for any emotional turmoil to separate them.

Their clothes were removed quickly both unable to stand the physical distance any longer. With a few strokes, Jinki's cock was slickened and Jonghyun wasted no time sinking down onto that familiar length. The elder clutched at Jonghyun's thighs in desperation, willing himself to forget the pain, to dismiss the lingering feelings of hurt to enjoy the elegant synchronization of their bodies joined.

Jonghyun reveled at the way they moved so perfectly together, his light moans igniting Jinki's passion until they were a blur of limbs, pushing and pulling until they were nothing more than their need to be united. The younger came first, his release leaving him loose-limbed and panting against Jinki’s chest. Jinki followed soon after, his body satisfied even while his heart thuded with the familiar dull pain cuased by weeks of lies. Jinki fought back tears at the knowledge that they were so close and yet there was so much distance between them.

Wiping off the evidence of their love, Jonghyun waded up the now-soiled tshirt before he flopped back on the bed, a content sigh leaving his mouth as his hand reached out for Jinki. He seemed content with that minimal contact and, amazingly, almost immediately, began breathing deeply.

Jinki lay awake, his heart thudding restlessly in his ears as tears finally slid down his face. He knew that he should say something, that he should tell Jonghyun that he knew something was going on, but he couldn’t. He feared he would never be able to. Because then he wouldn’t be Jinki. He would only be a shadow; a man who had once been whole but was left only half of himself, who had loved and lost. He would be left with only half of himself and the thought was more terrifying than anything Jonghyun may or may not have done.

Turning to his side, Jinki wiped the evidence of his pain onto his pillow and attempted to even out his breathing. Thankfully, sleep found him easily and he embraced the respite that it would bring him if only for a few hours.

...

On the other side of the bed, Jonghyun was crying tears of his own.

He heard the telltale mumbles of Jinki talking in his sleep and closed the remaining distance between them. Jonghyun tried not to let the half-spoken words pierce through his heart but he couldn’t stop it, the words too heartfelt for him to ignore.

“Jongie…” the elder said, drool slightly running down his jaw. “Know ‘bout Key…but iss okay, I love you…”

Jonghyun cried harder, the thought of Jinki in any kind of pain unbearable; but there was nothing he could do, nothing he could say. Because the truth was so much worse than what Jinki imagined and he couldn’t bear to break his heart more than he already was.

His phone beeped lightly from the nightstand, signaling an incoming call. Knowing exactly who it was and how persistent they would be until he answered, Jonghyun reluctantly drew away from the sleeping figure of the love of his life and attempted to regain control of his voice.

“Yah! You were supposed to call me when you got home,” the familiar voice scolded lightly over the phone, holding more concern than anger.

“Sorry, Key” Jonghyun said, his voice quiet and scratchy but still discernable.

After a few beats where the two had a silent fight, Jonghyun knowing what question would come next and Kibum knowing the answer without having to ask but choosing to do so anyway, the other finally asked, “Have you told him yet?”

Jonghyun looked over at Jinki, the only thing good in his life, and shook his head. Fresh tears rolled down his face at the thought of trying to tell him and he knew that he would never be able to.

“Jonghyun-ah,” Kibum said softly, “You need to tell him. As your doctor and your friend, you need to tell him. Before it’s too late.”

Jonghyun let the hesitation behind the word friend pass, knowing that the other was struggling through the reality of the situation and his unrequited feelings. Sighing in defeat, he simply said “I can’t….” hoping that the double meaning would be understood.

Silence once again settled over the line, the two not needing to say anything else as the familiar conversation played out in the quiet between them.

“I’ve gotta go,” Jonghyun finally entreated, needing to spend whatever time he could with Jinki, even if they were only sleeping.

“Okay…but please promise that you’ll at least try.”

“Sure,” he said, even though they both knew it would never happen. Jonghyun loved Jinki too much to ever be able to tell him that he had no choice but to leave him, to leave their lovely little world behind.

“I love you, Jonghyun-ah,” Kibum said quietly before disconnecting the call.

Jonghyun let the words echo through his hollow body, their meaning sinking in so that he felt the pain as if it were his own. Gently, he set the phone down on the bedside table so as not to make any noise before returning to Jinki’s side, burrowing into the familiar, calming warmth of his body until there was only skin and bone between them.

“I love you, Jinki,” he whispered, his lips unable to stop a soft kiss to the other's sturdy chest. “I’m sorry that it’s not enough…”


End file.
